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Dear moon,
You are privileged to have such sight. You probably see him from up there. You probably know how he is. I wanted to ask you many questions but I might not like the answer so I kept my silence. I've decided to ask you to send a message for me instead.
To the one who left:
Thank you for making me experience life. The wounds still sting and every broken piece hasn't found it's place yet, but I wouldn't have known that I am capable of loving someone as much as I've loved you. I talk of love in the past tense and now I suddenly ask myself if it should've been in the present tense. I'll leave it as it is. You showed me love; that love is real and does not require make-up, flawless skin, wit, confidence and other bases built by this world which attempts to calibrate standards and measure everything by the inch. You've made me strong, and I'm not talking about the way I am now, but the way I was before. You've exceeded my expectations and you shouldn't worry ever for turning your head away because you deserve to have your turn at happiness, I've had mine when I was with you. Thank you.
To the one who stays in my dreams:
You are terribly missed. It would be nice to call you or talk to you again but I'm still thinking of a clever reason, a convenient event, perhaps some friends to help me in my elaborate plot to see you again. Here I am writing about you but all I could think of are the times we spent; those quiet days when all we did was throw tantrums about how vicious the world has been, and how ironic life has become. There were times when all we could think of is get into each other's nerves and pretend that everything else around us is hypothetical and that we are the only ones real. There were times when all I did was rant and all you did was listen. There were days when the heavens wove a cloud of happiness; sending down raindrops that delay your trip home, a valid excuse to spend more time with you. I can't wait to see you. I miss you.
To the one who is about to arrive:
I don't expect you to be anything extraordinary. I won't promise you anything either. I have to warn you though, I might ask you to hold my hand every year during our APE when they extract my blood; and if it's okay, whenever I'm scared. I might ask for a hug whenever I see you and I might not ask for permission every time. I might ask you to listen to me sing you crazy mushy songs. I might ask for a weekly exclusive time. You might find yourself hearing me rant over this and that. I might act like a damsel in distress on certain occasions... although I'd really try hard not to be one. I could be very clingy when it's raining; one, because it's cold; two, because I might just want to take the chance to get close to you. And oh, I love to take pictures of almost anything including myself and you'll definitely take up half of my phone's memory. There might be times that I'd ask you to watch corny girly movies with me and that includes those with Sam Milby and John Lloyd Cruz. I hope you understand and I hope this doesn't scare you. I will wait for you.
Moon, I hope you'll get my words to them. For someone who has traveled endlessly in the sky, you must have known how it feels to see the stars pass you by every night when all you wanted to see is the sun. You must have chased after dawn and eluded the dusk to be with your love... but you and I both know that it takes more than chasing and running to find yourself in a perfect eclipse. Sometimes I think that you're a fool spending eternity for a few minutes of happiness but I guess only fools are capable of giving real love. I might not live to see the day when the whole universe halts to a full stop. Everything would perish and nothing would be left in existence... but I am not worried about you at all. As God has promised three things will remain and the greatest of them is love.
You are privileged to have such sight. You probably see him from up there. You probably know how he is. I wanted to ask you many questions but I might not like the answer so I kept my silence. I've decided to ask you to send a message for me instead.
To the one who left:
Thank you for making me experience life. The wounds still sting and every broken piece hasn't found it's place yet, but I wouldn't have known that I am capable of loving someone as much as I've loved you. I talk of love in the past tense and now I suddenly ask myself if it should've been in the present tense. I'll leave it as it is. You showed me love; that love is real and does not require make-up, flawless skin, wit, confidence and other bases built by this world which attempts to calibrate standards and measure everything by the inch. You've made me strong, and I'm not talking about the way I am now, but the way I was before. You've exceeded my expectations and you shouldn't worry ever for turning your head away because you deserve to have your turn at happiness, I've had mine when I was with you. Thank you.
To the one who stays in my dreams:
You are terribly missed. It would be nice to call you or talk to you again but I'm still thinking of a clever reason, a convenient event, perhaps some friends to help me in my elaborate plot to see you again. Here I am writing about you but all I could think of are the times we spent; those quiet days when all we did was throw tantrums about how vicious the world has been, and how ironic life has become. There were times when all we could think of is get into each other's nerves and pretend that everything else around us is hypothetical and that we are the only ones real. There were times when all I did was rant and all you did was listen. There were days when the heavens wove a cloud of happiness; sending down raindrops that delay your trip home, a valid excuse to spend more time with you. I can't wait to see you. I miss you.
To the one who is about to arrive:
I don't expect you to be anything extraordinary. I won't promise you anything either. I have to warn you though, I might ask you to hold my hand every year during our APE when they extract my blood; and if it's okay, whenever I'm scared. I might ask for a hug whenever I see you and I might not ask for permission every time. I might ask you to listen to me sing you crazy mushy songs. I might ask for a weekly exclusive time. You might find yourself hearing me rant over this and that. I might act like a damsel in distress on certain occasions... although I'd really try hard not to be one. I could be very clingy when it's raining; one, because it's cold; two, because I might just want to take the chance to get close to you. And oh, I love to take pictures of almost anything including myself and you'll definitely take up half of my phone's memory. There might be times that I'd ask you to watch corny girly movies with me and that includes those with Sam Milby and John Lloyd Cruz. I hope you understand and I hope this doesn't scare you. I will wait for you.
Moon, I hope you'll get my words to them. For someone who has traveled endlessly in the sky, you must have known how it feels to see the stars pass you by every night when all you wanted to see is the sun. You must have chased after dawn and eluded the dusk to be with your love... but you and I both know that it takes more than chasing and running to find yourself in a perfect eclipse. Sometimes I think that you're a fool spending eternity for a few minutes of happiness but I guess only fools are capable of giving real love. I might not live to see the day when the whole universe halts to a full stop. Everything would perish and nothing would be left in existence... but I am not worried about you at all. As God has promised three things will remain and the greatest of them is love.
I've been trying to reconstruct my old Rubix cube. There were a handful of algorithms that I can't remember anymore. I made it my mission before I left my old company that I learn all the algorithms I need to put the colors together. I remember distinctly what my friend Perk said about it: "Each cube belongs to a specific spot. You can scramble the colors all you want, you can twist them any way you want, but each cube has it's own place.
I look at my life and I think I'm one of those cubes trying to find my place. I've been twisted and turned several times. Led to different places, searched for the right algorithms... looking for shortcuts to settle to where I'm meant to be. There were times when I thought that I was in the right place, but then I noticed that it was only one side of me that was.
There were times that I haven't moved for so long that I've grown content to where I am... and then it's time to move on again. My search has introduced me to people of different colors. Some are faded and could barely stand out from the crowd. Some have broken edges and dents left by a cruel past. There were those who have stains of anger that forever scarred their being. Some colors were too vibrant, too loud, too different from what I am or what I've been and there were those who had the same as mine.
There were those who I wanted to avoid but instead, the hands of fate got tired of moving the pieces and I had to stay longer. I learned to love them, despite the dents and the flaws... and so I thought it was home, until it's time to move on again. I must say that at this point I am enjoying the company of the colors around me.
I'm not sure when my world would move again and how long or how far this journey will take me. One thing that I'm praying for is that one day, when the universe has revealed it's plan, when fate has rested it's hand... that I'll have the wisdom to know that I finally found my place under the sun.
I spent the whole day fixing my music files. My laptop crashed and I've been out of the web for two weeks. I am now listening to my partially organized list and it just brings back old old memories.
I remember playing these tunes during my happier days. When both sad and happy music are happy, when emptiness is a distant feeling and all you have is that fuzzy warm feeling of being loved.
There goes pumapatak na naman ang ulan of Parokya from an APO original. Reminds me of the time I was still in West, my first call center company. I spent three years there toying with the MAC at my small corner in the Trainers Pool. I used to shut all my fears and worries with the music. Often I play my own and let everyone either suffer or enjoy my playlist.
It's fascinating how music brings different emotions back. Back to the old days when you remember them. It seems that every song has a memory of some distant past that is either plagued by loneliness or a fond memory of a friend.
There goes Boston. I love this song. It's a song about someone who wants to move far away, away from the sun and into the snow, away from the warm weather of California to a new life in Boston. I used to wish I could get away then, away from all my fears and all my worries... wait a minute, I still have them, I still want to get away...
Each day seems to be an unending battle to stay alive. I may be exaggerating already but I really miss the old me. I guess this is an old me now, older than what I've been. I guess older versions of ourselves resurface at a certain point of our lives. A modified version where new experiences are carried with, new wounds that are healing or that refuse to heal, new set of friends, new set of learning, new sense of self...
"I'm still here" is playing now. "How can the world want me to change, they're the ones that stay the same. They don't know me, and I'll never be what you want me to be..." Yep, I'm still here. Feels like I haven't progressed at all. Still loving that same old person who's left me to make it alone. I'm still here, trying to mend everything with the sound of music, with the company of friends, with the tasks of work, with the concerns at home.
It's a crazy world indeed. I don't know if it is because of selective perception or there are just so many sad stories around me. People are breaking up left and right. The ideal world is lost. I blame the fairytales. We shouldn't orient the kids to such nonsense stereotype view of the world. I will stop because my thoughts again are everywhere.
Notice how music shifted to something else? I'll stop now.
I want to write again and be part of the blogging world. I miss the glory that you feel when you just let it out to the world.
So what have I been up to? I've been learning so much. I've finally enrolled myself to that Post Graduate course and I've been so lucky lately to be able to share my learning with our leadership trainer. We've had several conversations about training and I realized that there is so much to learn.
I felt uncomfortable at first to know that I don't know much at all about my chosen profession. I thought I knew it all. I thought that I have the natural skill and that this is my expertise. I was so wrong. There are so much more individuals out there who know more than I do and it's comforting to know that I accumulate these learnings everyday.
I am currently on my third module which is about curriculum development. I have an instructor who is also into blogging (a top blogger at that) and he has gotten me into thinking about going back to my old ways.
Last week we talked about the learning theories. It's fascinating to know that everything has a scientific reason behind it. One of the theories I like the most is about the whole brained approach to learning. We've been giving so much attention to left brained activities that we forget to consider that in order for the brain to function, both the right and left had to be exercised along the way.
Another theory is that the mind is not a blank slate. There will always be experiences that come along with each participant that attends the class and these experiences, including the demographics of the participants should be considered in order to become effective trainers.
I learned the levels of evaluation, Blooms Taxonomy, creating a conceptual framework, creating terminal and enabling objectives, how to become strategic, the facets of a trainer, the Mager and Pipe model for TNA... I could go on and it will take me all night to enumerate them.
I promise to start writing again and I promise to put more structure in my writing. It's just that all these ideas are coming to mind right now and I just want to put them into words.
I promise to write again and this time, I will write for myself. I will still be careful not to name names if it's a sensitive topic but this time, I will write not for general consumption but more really for me.
Till then. I hope my next entry won't be as boring. Hehehe...
It took us eight hours to get to this place and we were welcomed by surprises along the stretch of the Ilocos beach. There was the long bridge, which although not as beautiful or as long, reminded me of pictures of the Golden Gate. There was the glorious sunrise that welcomed our arrival from the long trip of darkness. There was the dirt road which slowed us down and build up the excitement even more. There were the churches that hold their own stories and I could only wonder how much history is buried into those walls.
At 7:45am, we had our breakfast at a small Inn right in the midst of the old houses. Right after breakfast, we cruised the streets aboard a Kalesa and visited Plaza Burgos, dedicated to Father Burgoz of Gomburza, St. Paul Basilica, beautiful St. Augustine with its awesome belfry, the hidden garden, a place where they make the "banga" and the Hidden Garden.
Lunch was at Max's, built to suit the Vigan architecture, and we had bagnet. We then went for a massage at a local spa and the kind lady just took her time with my tired back muscles. We then returned to the Inn where I made my reservation, ready to check in at 2pm. Upon reaching the Inn, we were told that there were no rooms available for us because the occupant of one of their 19 rooms, decided to extend. We had to go for the other hotel a few blocks away but promised that I will never recommend their Inn to anyone. (1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10) There, that feels much better now. The thought of it gives me bad memories.
The night was more fun as we walked the heritage street where the old houses are standing still. We then had our dinner at Leona's which was named after a Filipina poet whose poems has been translated to several languages and published all around the world.
I'm really not good at story telling. I've been traveling, going on trips left and right. Anything that would compensate for this loneliness that I feel inside. Yes, I am lonely. I am finally accepting that. And as long as I am, I shall walk this earth till my feet are sore, till I find my peace, till my heart is healed. I will chase after the sun, take more pictures, find more churches, savor the untold stories of the past and somehow find my place in the present and worry no more about tomorrow.
- Location:at my apartment
- Music:nothing
Would you tell me that you missed me too because you do
Or just to make me feel better? Or make yourself feel better?
I miss you. I miss your arms around me.
I miss the smell of your skin, my head on your chest...
I miss your attempts to control the locks behind my ears
I miss the way we used to pretend like we were strangers and come up with silly names for ourselves.
I miss the times when you make people at the jeep believe that your making your moves on me by paying for my fare. "Miss, libre na kita." That was one of the funniest days we had.
I miss the days when you fan me to sleep because there's no power.
I miss our contest of who gets to see the most celebrity look-a-likes at the mall
I miss Tatay's cheese caldereta
I miss the times when you would squeeze my hand and your eyes begging me to forgive you
I miss the slow movements of your hand on my shoulders and the way you just know if they're cold.
I miss you. Life has been so different without you. Lonely days, lonely walks, fighting back tears in the midst of a crowd who didn't care.
I miss us. It's been almost two months of silence between us. Its taking its toll on me now. But I must be strong. I will not ruin your happiness. I will not stop my recovery.
I hated you at one point or two, but in the end I still choose to love you. Despite all that has been. You deserve to be happy. I do too. I hope my turn comes soon. For now, I just miss you. Unlearning is such a hard thing to do.
Will I ever get married and find the man of my dreams?
Will I always argue with myself on trivial things like eating dinner or not, going home or not, sleeping early or late...
Will I ever stop loving him?
Will I be promoted in 2 years?
Will I ever learn how to wear sneakers?
Will I ever use my gym membership?
Is God listening to me?
How long will my daily routine be?
How is it like to be in heaven?
Am I really as strong as I seem?
Will I see Egypt and Rome before I die?
Will I ever give my parents the life they deserved?
When will I get to be mean again?
Will I ever own a dog?
Will I ever overcome my fear of cockroaches?
Will I ever smile at a sunset again?
When will I have my own car?
Will I ever fix my relationship with God?
Is God punishing me? Teaching me a lesson?
Have I learned my lesson?
Will I be the trainer I want myself to be?
Do I have the approval of my boss?
Will I ever get to write a book?
Will I ever get to write a song?
Will God open heaven's gates for me?
Will my brother ever talk?
Am I a good daughter?
Will he ever notice me?
Will I ever find someone else?
Just nonsense stuff.
- Location:Apartment
- Mood:
lonely
I am about to start another life very soon. Its funny how things change so drastically in a matter of months. You'll never know what life brings you until it hits you straight in the face. Its like riding a bus with an open window and the rain, wind and dust hitting your face.
Last weekend I went to a faraway beach in Batangas. The place was so secluded, so far, that the skies burst with so much stars. The trees looked older as our van cruised in the dark rocky road. I ended the night early as each pair of lovebirds settled close with each other. I felt a little bit lonely but it was okay. I woke up at half past 3am. After a while, I went to the beach and just sat by the shore. It was pitch dark, waves crashing to the shore, tiny specks of light in the distance and the stars shining above me. I didn't want to be dramatic in any way but I felt compelled to savor the hour and the loneliness that has lingered within. A cold wind blew from nowhere but I remained sitting in silence, clinging on to my jacket, talking to God. I asked him questions again. Why do I have to go through such a very lonely stage of my perfectly normal life? Why do I have to be alone? Why am I given this burden to carry? Why give me a heavy heart? Why let me go through such pain? There was no answer, as usual. Then a sudden thought occurred to me: It has been an hour since I sat down by the shore yet I don't feel cold at all. The jacket has kept me warm the whole time. Someone told me once that if you need warmth, buy a jacket instead of seeking for someone's arms; it will be less expensive in the long run.
I still don't have answers to my questions. I justify them every now and then. I speculate on the probable reasons. Sweet lemons and reasons... but it won't suffice my inquisitive soul. This journey has just begun but I shall be fine. I have gone a long way already but the end is nowhere yet. One step at a time as the song says. I'll be happy one day. I'll have my answers in His own sweet time.
- Music:the singing waves
The room stood still as I chanced upon the sight
It wasn't magical, it wasn't strong
But there must be something there all along
I chose to stay in the distance
The farther it is, the safer to steal a glance
Involuntarily, uncontrollably, and yet I deny
That my eyes have been searching all this time
I'm not looking forward to castles and promises
Not wondering how it feels to be trapped in your embrace
I am not expecting, not waiting, but only wanting
To seek your presence at the corner
- Location:at the apartment
I'm still trying to make sense of the things that are happening. At this stage, whatever stage I am in, all I want to do is look at things in a different perspective, justify my actions with the thought that selflessness is the ultimate measure of love , and extract reason from the inaction of others whom I have sought comfort.
Seasons change and so will this life. One long day at a time.
Let me share a few lines from a song. I'm sure some of you are familiar with it:
Every long lost dream, led me to where you are. Others who broke my heart, they were like Northern Stars, pointing me on my way into your loving arms... this much I know is true: that God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you.
Promising. Hopeful. Beautiful.
- Location:at the apartment
- Music:bad day, broken road, idol songs
It keeps me wondering and my conversations with God become more often. So many questions hoping to be answered. Its been a long time since my hand is empty. Its been a very long time since I've looked into someone's eyes and thought of tomorrow. I did miss this feeling. To just wallow in loneliness... but it is not sadness, at least not anymore. I can be Ally McBeal again. Alone again... naturally. Sigh...
- Location:at the apartment
- Music:the sound of the wind
I had a lot of questions. If God had a perfect plan for me, then why do I have to pray? If he already had things laid out in front of me, why do I have to ask? Shouldn't I just resign to what he had planned and just not care at all? I guess that's what I'm going to do for now. I'll just let Him take control. Whatever happens, happens. I will make plans and if they are not realized, I'll just move forward and do other things. I will stop looking around for love and just be my old self, not caring about the world, about what happens... be spontaneous and just start from whatever life throws at me. I'm not sure if I'm in the right path but as long as I have Him with me, I know I'll be okay.
I'll stop resisting and persisting. I'm defeated and am totally resigned to what He had planned for me. It has been a very painful, life changing journey. I just want to be happy again. I hope that this road will bring me that happiness again and contentment.
The rest will blur and as usual, I only have my songs and my conversations with Him and myself. I'll find my way. I will.
- Location:at the apartment
- Music:none
- Location:at home
He was just standing there. His blue striped shirt embraced his wide shoulders and his beard was just about to peek from his chin which he must have just shaved yesterday. His hair was neatly cut and his cream colored pants suit him just right and made him all the more taller. His arms looked strong and all I could do was stare and wish I could get lost in his embrace. I prayed for him to look my way during the entire mass. Shalom went by and no peace be with you's came my way. I waited till the mass ended. My heart was thumping with excitement as the man whom I've never met and never laid eyes on and may never see again, turned around to walk his way. He saw me and he seemed to slow down. I wish he lingered longer but then he was gone. He will never know me. He will never know the way he made me felt. But if I am to describe that brief encounter, it was like all the yellow colored roses and all the caramel syrup gathered into one sweet cup which I drank and made me feel warm and fuzzy, dizzy and excited all at once.
A silhouette slowly taking shape as my life's strings start to untangle around your existence.
God has finally given me another reason to smile.
Last week, I finally had that chance to get away from Manila and go to my hometown without ever filing for a leave, paying for my air fare or paying for a hotel. I got the long vacation I needed when I was sent to Cebu to train a class.
I was so excited when I reached the airport. I can't wait for that Boeing 747 to bring me to heaven! I made sure I have a window seat and maybe chance upon angels flying in the clouds. At take-off, the plane started to tilt upwards and you could see the ends of the horizon forming a circular line. The land looked much smaller and map-like until the clouds are right below us. I could see that indeed the cumulus and the stratus clouds are way lower than the cirrus clouds. I basked in God's creation the entire 45 minutes and I couldn't take the smile off my face. God indeed is the greatest architect ever.
I also realized one more thing, just right at this very moment. You get to appreciate things or events in your life better when you zoom out the whole picture. Its just like the plane ride: everything seemed smaller and irrelevant. What matters is the totality of the world right before your eyes and the details that have been unnoticed when you are part of the view. No wonder there are stories of Astronauts suddenly believing in the existence of God upon seeing the Earth from afar.
No matter how dirty and polluted and complicated our world has been, there is still great beauty to behold if only we zoom out our view. No matter how complicated and hard and tiresome our life becomes, the only way to fully appreciate its existence is if you're looking at it from afar. I have a lot of things going on but if I am above it, I would see things in a different perspective and would understand why these things are happening. I can't wait to see that day. I waited a long time for my plane ride and God granted it with extra perks. I know a day will come when I would be above my life, zoom out for a wider view and say to myself, "God indeed is the greatest architect".
- Location:at my hotel room
