I just concluded my trip to Vigan. It was a beautiful place. Everything seemed to be frozen in time. I could almost see the Katipuneros meeting in the shadows, the Prayles enjoying the dinner on the second floor of their Bahay na Bato, and the Kalesas filling up the silence of the night.

It took us eight hours to get to this place and we were welcomed by surprises along the stretch of the Ilocos beach. There was the long bridge, which although not as beautiful or as long, reminded me of pictures of the Golden Gate. There was the glorious sunrise that welcomed our arrival from the long trip of darkness. There was the dirt road which slowed us down and build up the excitement even more. There were the churches that hold their own stories and I could only wonder how much history is buried into those walls.

At 7:45am, we had our breakfast at a small Inn right in the midst of the old houses. Right after breakfast, we cruised the streets aboard a Kalesa and visited Plaza Burgos, dedicated to Father Burgoz of Gomburza, St. Paul Basilica, beautiful St. Augustine with its awesome belfry, the hidden garden, a place where they make the "banga" and the Hidden Garden.

Lunch was at Max's, built to suit the Vigan architecture, and we had bagnet. We then went for a massage at a local spa and the kind lady just took her time with my tired back muscles. We then returned to the Inn where I made my reservation, ready to check in at 2pm. Upon reaching the Inn, we were told that there were no rooms available for us because the occupant of one of their 19 rooms, decided to extend. We had to go for the other hotel a few blocks away but promised that I will never recommend their Inn to anyone. (1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10) There, that feels much better now. The thought of it gives me bad memories.

The night was more fun as we walked the heritage street where the old houses are standing still. We then had our dinner at Leona's which was named after a Filipina poet whose poems has been translated to several languages and published all around the world.

I'm really not good at story telling. I've been traveling, going on trips left and right. Anything that would compensate for this loneliness that I feel inside. Yes, I am lonely. I am finally accepting that. And as long as I am, I shall walk this earth till my feet are sore, till I find my peace, till my heart is healed. I will chase after the sun, take more pictures, find more churches, savor the untold stories of the past and somehow find my place in the present and worry no more about tomorrow.

If I tell you I miss you, would you say the same?
Would you tell me that you missed me too because you do
Or just to make me feel better? Or make yourself feel better?

I miss you. I miss your arms around me.
I miss the smell of your skin, my head on your chest...
I miss your attempts to control the locks behind my ears
I miss the way we used to pretend like we were strangers and come up with silly names for ourselves.
I miss the times when you make people at the jeep believe that your making your moves on me by paying for my fare. "Miss, libre na kita." That was one of the funniest days we had.
I miss the days when you fan me to sleep because there's no power.
I miss our contest of who gets to see the most celebrity look-a-likes at the mall
I miss Tatay's cheese caldereta
I miss the times when you would squeeze my hand and your eyes begging me to forgive you
I miss the slow movements of your hand on my shoulders and the way you just know if they're cold.
I miss you. Life has been so different without you. Lonely days, lonely walks, fighting back tears in the midst of a crowd who didn't care.
I miss us. It's been almost two months of silence between us. Its taking its toll on me now. But I must be strong. I will not ruin your happiness. I will not stop my recovery.
I hated you at one point or two, but in the end I still choose to love you. Despite all that has been. You deserve to be happy. I do too. I hope my turn comes soon. For now, I just miss you. Unlearning is such a hard thing to do.

Questions: Do I like the spotlight just because I'm a trainer?
Will I ever get married and find the man of my dreams?
Will I always argue with myself on trivial things like eating dinner or not, going home or not, sleeping early or late...
Will I ever stop loving him?
Will I be promoted in 2 years?
Will I ever learn how to wear sneakers?
Will I ever use my gym membership?
Is God listening to me?
How long will my daily routine be?
How is it like to be in heaven?
Am I really as strong as I seem?
Will I see Egypt and Rome before I die?
Will I ever give my parents the life they deserved?
When will I get to be mean again?
Will I ever own a dog?
Will I ever overcome my fear of cockroaches?
Will I ever smile at a sunset again?
When will I have my own car?
Will I ever fix my relationship with God?
Is God punishing me? Teaching me a lesson?
Have I learned my lesson?
Will I be the trainer I want myself to be?
Do I have the approval of my boss?
Will I ever get to write a book?
Will I ever get to write a song?
Will God open heaven's gates for me?
Will my brother ever talk?
Am I a good daughter?
Will he ever notice me?
Will I ever find someone else?

Just nonsense stuff.

The way home was quiet, normal, usual. I checked my phone, I almost forgot I have one, and as usual, it was blank. I think I haven't learned my lesson yet. So long as I am still alone, I still have a lesson to learn. So long as I seek for someone's company, God isn't finished with me yet. Back to how it is. Back to my college days. Back to being myself. Just me, myself and my God. More conversations in my head, aloud and alone. Back to inside jokes with myself. Back to contemplating, back to journals, back to my old habits, back to counting distance by exaggerated inches, back to singing my heart out despite the neighbors on my doorstep, back to my tv schedules, the books, the games, and planning my life on my own. I'm not done complaining, therefore I haven't learned my lesson. I'll be there soon. I hope. I'll make it. I did it before. I'll do it again. Stronger, much better, a big girl.

I haven't been writing much lately. I usually do when I feel so down and lonely. It must be good news.

I am about to start another life very soon. Its funny how things change so drastically in a matter of months. You'll never know what life brings you until it hits you straight in the face. Its like riding a bus with an open window and the rain, wind and dust hitting your face.

Last weekend I went to a faraway beach in Batangas. The place was so secluded, so far, that the skies burst with so much stars. The trees looked older as our van cruised in the dark rocky road. I ended the night early as each pair of lovebirds settled close with each other. I felt a little bit lonely but it was okay. I woke up at half past 3am. After a while, I went to the beach and just sat by the shore. It was pitch dark, waves crashing to the shore, tiny specks of light in the distance and the stars shining above me. I didn't want to be dramatic in any way but I felt compelled to savor the hour and the loneliness that has lingered within. A cold wind blew from nowhere but I remained sitting in silence, clinging on to my jacket, talking to God. I asked him questions again. Why do I have to go through such a very lonely stage of my perfectly normal life? Why do I have to be alone? Why am I given this burden to carry? Why give me a heavy heart? Why let me go through such pain? There was no answer, as usual. Then a sudden thought occurred to me: It has been an hour since I sat down by the shore yet I don't feel cold at all. The jacket has kept me warm the whole time. Someone told me once that if you need warmth, buy a jacket instead of seeking for someone's arms; it will be less expensive in the long run.

I still don't have answers to my questions. I justify them every now and then. I speculate on the probable reasons. Sweet lemons and reasons... but it won't suffice my inquisitive soul. This journey has just begun but I shall be fine. I have gone a long way already but the end is nowhere yet. One step at a time as the song says. I'll be happy one day. I'll have my answers in His own sweet time.

After all the darkness comes light. The end of the tunnel sparkles in the distance. Indeed something good is about to happen. It's been brewing like coffee and awaits close. So close, I can almost taste it.

I sought a presence at the corner
The room stood still as I chanced upon the sight
It wasn't magical, it wasn't strong
But there must be something there all along

I chose to stay in the distance
The farther it is, the safer to steal a glance
Involuntarily, uncontrollably, and yet I deny
That my eyes have been searching all this time

I'm not looking forward to castles and promises
Not wondering how it feels to be trapped in your embrace
I am not expecting, not waiting, but only wanting
To seek your presence at the corner

Its funny how one event in your life could make you stop and think and realize things. For example, I've come to realize the difference between sadness and loneliness, anger and hate, pain and suffering... and so on because I have felt almost every negative feeling in the world.

I'm still trying to make sense of the things that are happening. At this stage, whatever stage I am in, all I want to do is look at things in a different perspective, justify my actions with the thought that selflessness is the ultimate measure of love , and extract reason from the inaction of others whom I have sought comfort.

Seasons change and so will this life. One long day at a time.

Let me share a few lines from a song. I'm sure some of you are familiar with it:

Every long lost dream, led me to where you are. Others who broke my heart, they were like Northern Stars, pointing me on my way into your loving arms... this much I know is true: that God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you.

Promising. Hopeful. Beautiful.

I searched for the usual pain that I feel every time I walk alone the familiar deserted street on my way home... but it didn't come. Instead, it was loneliness that reigned whenever the cold wind blows my way. Its like a classic scene on TV where one walks on on her solitary way and dried leaves are scattered on the ground. I have always loved watching those scenes and never imagined myself to be in one. It would have been a comforting thought if someone could appreciate the beauty of this loneliness. It might sound weird but I miss this feeling... the feeling that makes you long for someone. The feeling that makes you aware that your hand is empty and your arms are cold... that you're all alone in the very place where you once cherished someone's company. Am I meant to feel this way? Am I meant to be like this? Is this a prerequisite for living? Will I ever be happy again?

It keeps me wondering and my conversations with God become more often. So many questions hoping to be answered. Its been a long time since my hand is empty. Its been a very long time since I've looked into someone's eyes and thought of tomorrow. I did miss this feeling. To just wallow in loneliness... but it is not sadness, at least not anymore. I can be Ally McBeal again. Alone again... naturally. Sigh...

I received great advise yesterday. My friend and spiritual mentor talked to me over the phone at his Father's place in La Union. It was a long heartfelt talk. I was crying my heart out and he gave me the soundest advise I've ever received yet I've always resisted. He tells me to let God take over my life once more. I've been rebellious for the past few months... years... I have fully neglected my relationship with God. All I thought of was the pain, the questions, my selfish desires, the things that I wanted to happen...

I had a lot of questions. If God had a perfect plan for me, then why do I have to pray? If he already had things laid out in front of me, why do I have to ask? Shouldn't I just resign to what he had planned and just not care at all? I guess that's what I'm going to do for now. I'll just let Him take control. Whatever happens, happens. I will make plans and if they are not realized, I'll just move forward and do other things. I will stop looking around for love and just be my old self, not caring about the world, about what happens... be spontaneous and just start from whatever life throws at me. I'm not sure if I'm in the right path but as long as I have Him with me, I know I'll be okay.

I'll stop resisting and persisting. I'm defeated and am totally resigned to what He had planned for me. It has been a very painful, life changing journey. I just want to be happy again. I hope that this road will bring me that happiness again and contentment.

The rest will blur and as usual, I only have my songs and my conversations with Him and myself. I'll find my way. I will.

The growing awareness, the smiles I keep to myself, the random crossing of paths, the stolen glances, the urge to write down poetry... endless... inspiring... wishful thinking... as my heart is slowly mended and sewn back into place. Thanks to you =)

He was just standing there. His blue striped shirt embraced his wide shoulders and his beard was just about to peek from his chin which he must have just shaved yesterday. His hair was neatly cut and his cream colored pants suit him just right and made him all the more taller. His arms looked strong and all I could do was stare and wish I could get lost in his embrace. I prayed for him to look my way during the entire mass. Shalom went by and no peace be with you's came my way. I waited till the mass ended. My heart was thumping with excitement as the man whom I've never met and never laid eyes on and may never see again, turned around to walk his way. He saw me and he seemed to slow down. I wish he lingered longer but then he was gone. He will never know me. He will never know the way he made me felt. But if I am to describe that brief encounter, it was like all the yellow colored roses and all the caramel syrup gathered into one sweet cup which I drank and made me feel warm and fuzzy, dizzy and excited all at once.

 

You were but a shadow in my dreams.
A silhouette slowly taking shape as my life's strings start to untangle around your existence.
God has finally given me another reason to smile.

I have always wondered as a kid how it feels like to be up in the air. There were many chances and many plans but work and life seemed to be so demanding that I can't get that long planned vacation to my hometown.

Last week, I finally had that chance to get away from Manila and go to my hometown without ever filing for a leave, paying for my air fare or paying for a hotel. I got the long vacation I needed when I was sent to Cebu to train a class.

I was so excited when I reached the airport. I can't wait for that Boeing 747 to bring me to heaven! I made sure I have a window seat and maybe chance upon angels flying in the clouds. At take-off, the plane started to tilt upwards and you could see the ends of the horizon forming a circular line. The land looked much smaller and map-like until the clouds are right below us. I could see that indeed the cumulus and the stratus clouds are way lower than the cirrus clouds. I basked in God's creation the entire 45 minutes and I couldn't take the smile off my face. God indeed is the greatest architect ever.

I also realized one more thing, just right at this very moment. You get to appreciate things or events in your life better when you zoom out the whole picture. Its just like the plane ride: everything seemed smaller and irrelevant. What matters is the totality of the world right before your eyes and the details that have been unnoticed when you are part of the view. No wonder there are stories of Astronauts suddenly believing in the existence of God upon seeing the Earth from afar.

No matter how dirty and polluted and complicated our world has been, there is still great beauty to behold if only we zoom out our view. No matter how complicated and hard and tiresome our life becomes, the only way to fully appreciate its existence is if you're looking at it from afar. I have a lot of things going on but if I am above it, I would see things in a different perspective and would understand why these things are happening. I can't wait to see that day. I waited a long time for my plane ride and God granted it with extra perks. I know a day will come when I would be above my life, zoom out for a wider view and say to myself, "God indeed is the greatest architect".

How do you start to tell or even describe a feeling that's beyond comprehension? How could someone so loving, so sweet and so kind be suddenly cold and out of reach? How can four years be just thrown away that easily? Just like any thief, it came at the middle of the night and stole my love, my happiness my life. I am fighting back, desperately hanging and holding on by a thread... but i fear it might lose myself in the process. Love is not enough. It takes courage and will. I don't make any sense now. My heart bleeds and it hasn't stopped since. Am i bound to be alone? All I did was love and was loved back. I don't understand why things had to happen like this. The pain is beyond comprehension. All I can think about is my heart as it slowly dies everyday.

I can't let go. Not yet. I hope i don;t have to. I just want to be happy again. I want to sleep again. I want my confidence back again. I want to take control again. I want to stay focused. I want to be loved again. I want to be with someone who will love me back. I need to stop this bleeding. No goodbyes for now. I don't know when. I hope this can be fixed. Oh Lord please let this go away.

I have been sighing every now and then,

I need my life back.

Hey friend, its been a some time
Since we had a good laugh
And sang at the top of our lungs

Hey friend its been some time
Since we had coffee with our dear old Chinky
Whom we both sorely missed

Hey friend, its been three years
Since the time when
you hugged me at the 8th floor
Wondering to myself if you were straight or not

Hey friend, its been a while
When you cried in my arms
And your heart disfigured in my palm

Hey friend, its been 7 months
Since you made those fliers for my dad
Although they showed the wrong numbers

Hey friend, its been a long time
Since we had the same class
And made them dance while we laughed

Hey friend, have you noticed?
We’ve known so much of each other
From awkward days to favorite songs
From the number of siblings
To our love lives, to our habits
And the men who came to Your life

Hey friend, I’ll miss you
Call me up sometimes
A cup of coffee would do

Hey friend, I wish you well
I never thought you’d leave
I never thought you will

Hey friend, its almost time
We’re saying goodbye for now
Too soon, but it has to happen somehow

It is indeed goodbye, but I shall see you still
It will be hard but move on, I will

Thank you for the memories
Thank you for the laughter
Thank you for the tears

Hey friend, its been a blast!
We’ll have fun again
This ain’t the last!

I shall miss this place. It has been my second home for 2 years and a half. I will miss the MAC which kept me company when I'm here alone. I shall miss my station which has kept me invisible to everyone when I needed to be alone. I shall miss my PC who has locked me out more than thrice and slowed down during my busiest moments but has always been there to help me with my shortcuts and links. I shall miss my small corner with my teddy bears spelling my name... the numerous Winnie the Pooh stuff... my music, my little trash can... the boxes of headsets... Its fast car playing in the MAC now. I never got enough of the song. I've been playing it whenever I'm alone. It still gives me that warm feeling that everything's gonna be okay.

There's too much memories. Too much for me to bring. This will forever be a part of me. If only things are better... if only friends don't ever leave your side.

When I was a young kid, i have often imagined putting all my friends in one place so I can see them anytime I wish. There would be no lonely days, no going out alone, no coffee by myself... but i guess the word "miss" would have never been invented.

I shall miss this place.

Six days to go.

I thought it is freedom that I have always wanted. But why do I feel sad? I'll soon figure it out. It is the start of goodbye.

For the friendship
For the lousy, corny, bad jokes
For the trivial and complicated discussions
For the Paulo Coelho Moments
For being mean
For being honest
For pulling my chair when I had to stand
For staying on the danger side of the street when we’re crossing
For letting me through the door first
For holding the door open
For the Justice League and Dragon Ball Moments
For sharing your plans of conquering the world
For the Bad Day singing moments
For the MYMP moments
For the MAC moments
For the 8th floor moments
For that time when we went to the 37th floor just to check it out
For the long talks
For the love life stories
For the investment plans
For the Chips and snacks that you USED to give (haha)
For the chocolates you USED to give (hahahaha)
For listening to my rants
For being my second Chinky
For that one occasion when you walked me home
For that rare moment when you held my hand
For our lunch moments
For just being quiet
For reminding me that life is at times simply unfair
For the sarcasm
For the words of wisdom
For the memories

THANK YOU.

God Bless and be happy.

Have you ever been so used to something you don't even think its still there? Have you ever been hooked on a feeling that you thought you weren't feeling it at all?

Suddenly its bound to leave, without warning, without mercy, but lingers inside you as if a part of you will be taken forever. You don't know the exact time but you know that time is soon.
How do you prepare for such an inevitable death?
How do you accustom yourself to that spot in your heart that would never again be filled?
How do you keep yourself from holding on to a dream woven by memories, of other dreams, of hopeless wishes?

I am not making any sense. Indeed, confusion is a good place to hide what you really feel. There's is just too much noise going on that all I hear is a buzzing of sounds. Nothing's gonna change my world. I will always be dreaming. I will always have my alternate world and it will stay that way. Its not as good as the real thing but I will always have a place to go if I want to remember you.